Another year...

I begin this post by saying that this is probably the coldest birthday I've ever had. Gone are the days of dripping sweat while blowing out candles -- hello 60 degree weather.

As the minutes tick past midnight and my birthday becomes a fleeting memory, I think it's easy for one to become somewhat pensive about the year gone by. At this very moment, lying in bed, I think it's quite interesting that I have difficulty pinning down specific horrible memories but instead am flooded with the warm thoughts and well-wishes of my closest friends and family. I think about all of those that consider me their friend and I, in turn, consider them the same. I am quite fortunate to have such a wonderful group of people that I can count on through all of the trials and tribulations that life sometimes has to offer.

As the clock continues to tick forward, my thoughts wander to birthdays' past and the hopes and fears that accompanied each mark forward.

This year, as much as any other, is full of anxiety, fear, wonder and hope -- and who knows what will befall these 365 days before me.

Summer finale!

And what a summer it was!

After watching Julie & Julia I had lofty goals of being one of those blogs that people talk about -- but unfortunately I don't have quite the same gimmick of Julie Powell. It seems that people mostly write blogs about things they know about -- their lives, and mine is no different.

So let's play catch up. What has happened since those days of late spring filled with tears and pain? Well, I've certainly lived the past three months with reckless abandon -- traveling the country and trying desperately to escape the life that I had led until this moment.

It seems as though all good things must come to an end, but not as one might expect.

At the end of the past school year, my position at my old school was not renewed. After spending 9 months cultivating a relationship with my school, I was not to return in the fall. A mixed blessing, to be sure, and one rife with a variety of emotions. I was thrust into a job market that is rapidly dwindling and my options sorely lacking.

Here we stand, 2 weeks and 3 days from the start of the school year and I still do not have a position. I'm filled with an incalculable amount of anxiety and fear coupled with a shred of hope -- hope that I can make this year better for myself and the students I will teach.

I think in writing this blog, I might not be able to cook my way through Julia Child's tome of recipes, but I've learned so much writing my thoughts here. I've learned that I'm truly a hopeful person -- and one day I may cook my way through some of those classic recipes.

Who'd Have Thought

A little bird from So Great. prompted me to look back on posts' past and reflect on where I came from and where I've been. I remember embarking on this journey so many months ago and really panicking at the precipice I stood upon. For the first time in my life I really didn't know what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to accomplish it.

I remember thinking, in my protective bubble, that life rarely presents a truly insurmountable challenge. I've realized that people face challenges in their daily life that we cannot conceive of. An entire world has unveiled itself to me, one that I knew existed yet persisted in shrugging off.

I remember a year ago the questions that consumed my waking thoughts and here, now, I have answers to questions I never considered.

Though I have a certain amount of independence I still feel as though I'm a child, the student, a tyro at life.

Considering the gauntlet that I have been through I, still, look forward to the future. I look forward to the promise of easier times, less manic times, different times. I think one thing I've learned is the futility of fighting -- life's too short.



Oh -- and it's fucking summer. Bring it on. Bring -- it-- on.

Partly Sunny

The weather is changing and the difference is palpable. Everyday I dreaded the coming storm -- Hurricane Randall, Tropical Depression Faith, and the Tsunami that was Room 103. There seemed to be an ominous cloud that hung over the day but now, the air is clear.

I sit here and I reflect about the days gone by. The shitstorm that was teaching 1st grade. It seemed strange to walk to halls knowing the year was over. I don't think there has been a time in my life that I have ever cried more or experience such anxiety.

I'll keep this post short -- there is probably more to come. I really don't know how to articulate my thoughts and feelings at this point -- I'm just glad its nearly over.

Bring on the sun.

So Yesterday

I remember yesterday thinking to myself, "Today is a pretty good day." Looking back at my notes, however, there were fights, choas and general malaise rampant throught the day. Still, though, I considered it good. Today, things were fine. Fine in the sense that I'm not pondering defenestration and all of my limbs are intact.

After today, there are 14 days left of this school year. It's hard to conceive of, really. I feel as if I've aged 30 years within the past month and a half. I'm cranky, tired, and crave the early bird special at Golden Corral -- the latter of which has been bubbling under the surface since mid-October.

But alas, I yearn for sleep that I cannot receive. My body is in a constant state of tension and cannot relax. Thus is the life of a teacher.

I'm trying trying trying to celebrate my successes and, really, there are many. So many small moments of success seem buried under a monumental amount of shit. 14 days -- 14 days and counting.

Fun in the Sun

The countdown continues to click click click one day closer to June 12th. The days have crested and fallen as they have throughout the year.

As the school year comes to a close I reflect on what has transpired over the past 8 months -- with one still to go. I feel things have changed in my life so much -- little of which for the better. I've learned a lot about who I am and the world around me -- the limits to which humans can be pushed to but still soldier on. I've come to find that strength can take many different forms and originates from a lot of different places. For some, strength comes in the pursuit of an ideal -- for others, it comes from the fear of something else.

With a little over a month left until the final bell rings, I still face innumerable challenges. I anticipate sitting on the floor at 2:45 crying uncontrollably. It's strange thinking about what I've been through yet even stranger thinking about what's to come.

All I can do is hope for the best. All I'm left with, each and every day, is hope and when that runs out, there will be nothing left.

Allies and Enemies

Spring Break is over. Four very crushing words. Summer is almost here. Amends are made.

I'm surprised that it's mid-April and the weather still clings to the 30s. Thankfully the snow is melted (for now), but the frigid air lingers from the winter. My mind once drifts to what I have previously said about vacations and the purpose they serve: To give one time to breathe, but also to remind one to be thankful for the life they have.

Over spring break I took a much needed trip to New York. As lost and confused as I was in the city, it felt quite familiar. The sights and sounds, aromas and memories were stirred up and truly felt like I had just been there days before I had arrived. Despite the respite, I was eager to get back home to Chicago, to true familiarity.

So now I'm back. It's Sunday, which means Monday looms just around the corner. In less than 24 hours I will be surrounded by the chaos and furor as if no time has passed - ah sweet familiarity.

Time, it seems, is our closest ally and our dearest enemy. It continues to push forward, with the past in its wake and the future on its horizon. It brings us closer to relief yet further from comfort. Even now as I set my sights upon the 8 weeks until summer, I know that even that will have an expiration date, like milk sitting in the fridge, waiting to be used. But like the old adage says, when life hands you almost-expired milk, make a green-garlic and parmesan cheese souffle.